The Parent Teen Relationship
It was the homework that did it. Each night became a challenge in
how I was going to get my son, a non-academic, to do his homework. I
tried patience, encouragement, and teaching, all to no avail. I moved
on to bribery, threats and punishment, still no success. Finally I tried
anger, frustration and tears, but still no joy. At the end of my tether
I knew it was time for a change.
Looking back on my behaviour I could see how I had changed from a calm,
encouraging parent into a demanding, controlling tyrant. This was a
true wake up call; I could not believe I had turned into the very thing
I hated to see in others. I asked myself, "what is more important, homework
or the relationship with my son?"
The parenting relationship is a tricky one; one that needs to continue
to evolve over time. It is made doubly tricky by the fact that the child
uses this relationship as a role model for future relationships. As
a child they see that adults have the control and power in a relationship;
as they grow into adolescents they want this control and power for themselves.
No wonder there are so many battles between parents and teens.
However, the desire for control and power is also reflected between
the teenagers themselves. Mixed with the self-centeredness left over
from childhood and the need to belong, a potent mix is created; otherwise
known as peer pressure. This pressure can take many forms, from daring
someone to do something that you haven't got the courage to do, to manipulating
someone to give you what you want. Standing up to this pressure, particularly
from their close friends can be difficult,
Teenagers need to learn how to get their needs met but without resorting
to using control, power or manipulation. Just as importantly they need
to learn how to resist pressure from others. If parents can change the
relationship they have with their teen so that each other's needs are
dealt with using respect, understanding and appreciation, then teens
can experiment and realise the benefits of such a relationship.
Fortunately, the tools required for such a relationship can be easily
taught, although putting them into practice will take a little more
effort. Just telling teens what to do rarely works so parents will need
to initiate the change and use the tools with their teen.
Once your relationship has changed with your teen, you will both be
in a better position to tackle the other relationships in your teen’s
life.
How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Teen
- Listen to their point of view. Put yourself in their shoes
and see the world through their eyes. Ask them how it makes them feel.
- Understand what makes them tick. Look for the differences
between you and them and then learn more about them.
- Accept them for who they are. Differentiate between them
as a person and their behaviour. Ask for behaviour to change but accept
them as they are.
- Acknowledge their presence. Look for what they do that’s
positive and verbalise your appreciation. Appreciate what they don’t
do as well as what they do.
- Give them space. Teens need privacy, not just in their bedrooms but also in their thoughts. Avoid interrogation techniques and opt for genuine interest.
reprint permission goarticles.com